


Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

by IlluminateTheSparks



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bottom Louis, FBI is an american government agency, Harry is a bad ass, Harry is one of the top agents in the FBI, It stands for Federal Bureau of Investigation, Louis is desperate and poor, M/M, Smut, Some BDSM, Some slight violence, Theft, Thief Louis, Top Harry, anyway, as in choking and shit but thats it, but its a oneshot so..., fbi agent harry, he might be THE agent, i think thats all the tags, just a really long smut chapter okay, lots of smut, my first oneshot so lets goooo, okay enjoy, p.s. i know you will, wink wink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 11:19:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10830210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IlluminateTheSparks/pseuds/IlluminateTheSparks
Summary: Louis barks up the wrong tree, so Harry punishes him for it.*OR* Louis steals from the wrong person, and that person punishes him for it in the most delicious way possible.*OR Pt. 2* The oneshot that no one wanted, but that I'm writing anyway. Happy early birthday, everyone. This is my present, to you.





	Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

**Author's Note:**

> It's your fav author, back again with a one shot. Show me some love and like and kudos this fic pretty please. If anyone wants to turn this one shot into a chapter fic, then by all means, do so. Just give credit where credit is due.

Louis is desperate. He is so, so, so desperate right now. He honestly blames his father for what is currently happening to him. That being the massive, pile of bullshit gambling debt that he's in right now. If his father hadn't passed along this terrible gambling habit to Louis, the smaller lad is sure his life would be pretty copacetic. However, since Louis' father was a piece of shit, and raised Louis in a lifestyle of gambling, continuously rising debt, and crime, Louis blames every unfortunate event of his life on his father. God, he really hopes the piece of shit that he used to consider his only parent, is rotting in hell right now.

It doesn't even matter how he got in this situation, because he is _fucked_ either way. Let's see, Louis is currently so poor, that he's about this close to having to live in government housing. Any kind of money Louis gets from his shitty waiter job at a dingy truck stop is spent on rent, cigarettes, and...oh yeah, his gambling addiction. This god forsaken addiction that gets him in more trouble than not. You think Louis, being twenty-five would have a handle on his life by now, but once his father died, Louis' life metaphorically died with him. So, after his father's death, Louis conveniently found out that his father left behind hundreds of dollars of debt that needed to be paid. Upon finding this out, Louis turned to gambling in hopes of earning some money so that he could pay off his father's debt. However, luck seems to be fucking him over constantly because that few hundred dollars of debt has suddenly turned into a few  _thousand_   dollars of debt. So yeah, I guess you could say Louis is so fucked.

Upon realizing that there was no way that Louis could get his debt excused, he turned to stealing, in hopes of finding high priced valuables that he can pawn. He hasn't had much success with thieving, if he's honest. He's only been able to pawn about a couple hundred of dollars worth of items. But Louis is working on it. His thieving is getting so much better as the nights go on, if he does say so himself. He's learned to move quickly and efficiently without being heard, he's learned how to not leave fingerprints behind, and he's even mastered the art of disabling an alarm system when need be. All of these skills may have taken weeks to master, but Louis would much rather be thieving, then prostituting himself.

Now don't get Louis wrong, he loves sex. He could ride a dick for days if he needed too, and he loves being dominated. But having to split his profits with a pimp, in Louis' opinion, is complete bullshit. Like, he's the one that has to do all the work, so why the fuck would he split his profit with someone who does virtually no work, whatsoever. He could always be a one man show, and try to prostitute himself by himself, but nobody wants to do business with a prostitute these days unless they're basically owned by a reputable pimp. And that, in and of itself is so fucking stupid to Louis. So alas, here he is, thieving his ass off, in hopes that he can settle his and his father's debt in a timely manner. The men he owes money to are very scary, and he would quite like to keep his toes, and fingers please.

Upon realizing that the time stamp set to acquire the money is almost up, Louis' desperation turns into panic. Tonight is the last night that he can thieve before his time is up, and some very scary mob men come looking for him. So whatever he steals tonight, as to be big, and pricey, and be able to be pawned for at least several hundreds of dollars. With that in mind, Louis purposefully stalks his way, stealthily, into a very wealthy neighborhood.

Louis' had his sights set on this neighborhood for a couple of weeks now. He's heard through the grape vine that some of the houses in this neighborhood hold very pricey valuables, artifacts, and jewelry. Louis' hand instinctively itch at the thought of stealing a few valuable items. There's this one house in particular, that peaks Louis' interest. He's spent a couple days observing the house, and is convinced that no one lives in it. He hasn't seen anyone come from the house, or go into the house either. Granted, he's only been able to observe the house at all odd hours of the night, but still. This particular home looks pretty empty. Louis imagines it's someone's vacation home, and that the tenants are only around during summer months. Whatever the reasoning may be, this house is one of the largest one's in the neighborhood, and seems to be void of life, so it's Louis' prime target tonight.

He stands across the street under a very clean bus stop awning, and acts like he's busy, just in case any lurking residents of the neighborhood have decided to take a midnight stroll. He checks the bus times for what has to be the thousandth time even though he knows another bus won't come around until the early morning hours. Now that he thinks about it, acting as if he's about to catch a bus that isn't due for another few hours may look kind of suspicious. So Louis quickly ducks behind a pair of shrubs, and continues to observe the house.

The house is nothing short of gorgeous. With it's Spanish looking architecture, and perfectly mowed grass, Louis is left slightly breathless. He'd kill to live in a house like this, would even go so far as to say he'd sell one of his kidneys to live in a house this beautiful. But alas, Louis knows owning a house like this is merely a pipe dream, and that since life has dealt him with such a shitty hand, it's his duty to deal with his shitty hand in the only way he can. And right now, that means stealing as much as he can from this house, and leaving as quick as he can. Tonight's mission should be a simple in and out job, and as Louis notes there doesn't seem to be any movement going on inside the house, it's safe for him to assume that it's vacant, so this job should indeed be pretty simple.

After making sure the coast is clear, Louis leaves his hiding spot from behind the bushes, and stalks across the street quickly. His size seven feet not making one single noise as Louis stalks up the driveway. There's no car parked in said driveway, so Louis is forced to duck around the side of the house in hopes of seeking coverage from anyone who may be lurking in the windows of the other houses. He slides his body along the side of the house, and is in the backyard within a minute. In a neighborhood like this, Louis is shocked to see that the backyard isn't fenced in. There is a pool though, because of course a house like this would have a pool. Beyond said swimming area, there's a really beautiful rose garden that stretches back towards a forest area. Louis hates forested areas. Absolutely loathes them. Even now, looking into the dark depths of this forest has Louis' skin crawling, and is essentially freaking him the fuck out. He shakes off his slight fear, and turns away from the forest. If he looks at the dark shaded area anymore, he's sure his mind will play tricks on him and make him think there's some kind of creature waiting for him just beyond the tree line. And Louis really doesn't want to shit his pants tonight, thank you very much. With a determination to get inside, and away from the creepy ass darkness that the atmosphere holds, Louis tries the back door.

It's locked, which is to be expected. He grabs a large rock that's artfully placed among many other rocks on the side of the back porch he's currently standing on, and uses it to smash open the glass of the back door. The action causes little sound, and Louis is able to slip his hand in and twist the lock until the door swings open. Without wasting a second, Louis flies to the alarm system that he knows will most likely be beside the back door, and works his magic. He's able to disable the alarm system before it has a chance to sound an alarm, and Louis sags against the wall beside it, in relief. He wipes some metaphorical sweat off his brow, and looks at his surroundings.

He's currently standing in a kitchen, with what looks like brand new appliances covering every kitchen surface, and nook and cranny. Louis makes a mental note to steal a few of these appliances if he cant' find anything better. As Louis ventures further into the house, it looks to be spotless. As if no one has lived here in years. Every counter, shelf, and spot on the floor is squeaky clean. Whoever lives here is either a clean freak, or no one lives here except ghosts. Either-or, could be a probable reason as to why the house is as freakishly clean as it is.

Louis berates himself on not focusing on the task at hand before he ventures into a space that looks a lot like either a sitting room, or a living room. The first thing his thief eyes see is the giant flat screen t.v. that's hanging on one of the walls. Louis instantly curses his small stature, and frail arms because is he could carry it, Louis would test his luck with stealing the flat screen. The amount of money he'd make by pawning the t.v. would be enough to cover the rest of his debt, along with there being a little left that Louis will no doubt spend on alcohol and cigarettes. I.e. his diet if you will.

Louis gives the flat screen t.v. one final forlorn look before he turns away from it. He promised himself he'd only steal small items, so that's what he's sticking to. He goes to take a step towards another room, but halts his movements. His ears perk up when he hears a creak coming from one of the floor boards. The creaking noise is brief, and sounded distant, but Louis is still on high alert nonetheless. He practically crawls into the next room. Being very cautious of creaking floor boards as he goes.

When he's finally in the next room, his heart stops beating. Louis doesn't know if he should laugh at the absurdity of this current moment, or curse at rich people for being so  _extra._ Either way, Louis is bewildered as he takes in the room before it. It's empty of all furniture, expect glass display cases that house everything from ancient artifacts, to timeless jewels. What looks to be every expensive paintings line the wall, along with vibrant tapestries. Louis rounds one of the display cases, and sees nothing but gems and diamonds encased in necklaces, earrings, and bracelets staring back at him. He has the over whelming urge to squeal in delight at that moment, but he won't. That would obviously give his presence away. Instead he does a little happy jig, and tries opening the case. When the glass door doesn't budge, Louis knows it's locked. Looks like he's going to have to go on the hunt for a pair of keys. He hopes and prays that these keys are easy to find and won't be in any mundane places like in a cookie jar, or in a safe. Louis quite likes to be challenged, okay?

He ventures out of the room, vowing to come back when he finds a set of keys, and approaches a door. Logically, he can guess that this door leads down to a basement, but Louis doesn't care for logical guess right now, and hopes the door leads to Narnia, or an alternate universe where he's rich. Louis will take either or, to be honest. He tries the handle, and sighs quietly upon realizing that the door is locked. No Narnia, nor alternate universe for him, he guesses. Right when he's about the turn away from said, probably magical door, his body gets thrown against it at an alarming speed.

His hands shoot out to try and brace his body from the impact, but he's too slow. The surprise attack catching Louis so off guard, he yelps out in a very damsel in distress way, as his body flings against the door. He doesn't get a moment to register what the fuck is going on when he feels a gun slotting against his scalp as a very large hand wraps around his neck. Louis listens as his attacker laughs a deep, and reverberating sound before he says, "Well, well, what do we have here?"

Louis' attacker's voice is deep and ruff, and sounds a little too delighted at the situation. Louis normally would be scared of a gun being pointed at his head, but he can't be scared right now because he's so overwhelmingly annoyed. He was this close to getting the valuables that he needed to pay off his gambling debt, and this fucker had to go and ruin it. Where did his attacker even come from, anyway?

"You've got some balls kid, to come into my house, and what? Try to steal things?" Louis' attacker taunts. He grabs the white bag from Louis back pocket, the same bag that Louis was going to carry his looted items with, and discards it somewhere off to the side. Louis huffs out another annoyed breath, and says, "Fuck you. I'm not a kid."

His attacker laughs at him again. What an asshole. "Oh excuse me. I just assumed. What with your stature, and all."

At this statement, Louis' blood begins to boil, and his hands curl into fists. He aims his elbow and tries to deliver a lethal blow against his attacker's abdomen but the attempt is blocked. Due to blocking Louis' elbow, his attacker's grip around his neck loosens enough to where Louis can spin around and face his attacker. As he does so, his attacker recovers quickly from the change in positions, and raises his gun to aim it at Louis' forehead instead. At this position Louis can get a full look at his attacker. And his breath escapes him once again.

This man, with chocolate colored curly hair that falls to just below his earlobes, this man with strikingly clear green eyes that look lethal in the moonlight streaming in from the windows, this man that's built like a Greek god, with taught muscles, broad shoulders, and large hands. This man that is so fucking tall he easily looks six feet plus. This man that has the longest legs Louis has ever seen on any human being, is absolutely, without a doubt, one hundred percent sexy, gorgeous, and beautiful. Louis is officially awestruck. He's actually speechless right now. The fuck.

He becomes even more speechless when his attacker smirks at him before saying, "You're quite a pretty thief, aren't you?"

A blush Louis didn't permit to appear, appears anyway, and spreads across the apples of his cheeks. He's instantly grateful that there isn't much lighting, because if there were, Louis' sure his cheeks would look redder than a tomato right now.

When Louis doesn't respond, his attacker says, "So thief, tell me why you'd thought it'd be a good idea to try and steal from my house."

Louis doesn't dignify the statement with a response. Instead he looks for a way out of this house. A way for him to escape unscathed, and unharmed. Without meaning to, Louis takes a step towards the back door that he can see from where he's standing. His attacker steps with him and tuts while shaking his head. "Don't even try and make a run for it. Don't you know who you're dealing with?"

At this, Louis looks at his attacker. Should he know who he is? Should this man's face be recognizable? Louis isn't quite sure who is pointing a gun at him, and his confusion must be splayed across his face because his attacker laughs once again. Damn Louis must be really fucking funny tonight.

"I'm lead FBI agent, Harry Styles."

At this omission, Louis' body freezes up and his eyes widen in shock. Of course he knows who Harry Styles is. Everyone in this state knows who he is. Shit everyone in the U.S. knows who Harry fucking Styles is. He was the only man who could take down one of the largest drug cartels the United States had ever seen. This epic take down for the government, happened a couple of years ago, and since then Harry's been all anyone can talk about. He even got a fucking medal of honor from the President himself, back when Obama was still in office. God Louis misses himself some Barack, but that's totally besides the point.

On top of his success it looks like Harry got a pretty big work bonus too, if the size of his house is anything to go by.

"Ah. I see recognition. I presume you know who I am now?"

Louis nods his head to confirm that he does indeed know who Harry fucking Styles is.

"Ah! Good. So I assume you know now why stealing from this house in particular was a grave mistake, and why making a run for it would be an even bigger mistake."

Again, Louis nods his head to affirm.

"Perfect. So what's your reason for breaking into my home? I'm sure someone who isn't a kid would be smarter than that. I've been watching you since you first broke in."

"For fucks sake." Louis spits. "I didn't know this was your home."

"Ah! He speaks. What's your name, "not-kid"?"

Louis huffs at the question, and says, "I'm not telling you my name. Fuck that."

"Oh he's a feisty one. Come on, tell me your name. Look, I'll lower my gun if you tell me your name."

Harry makes a show of pulling his gun away from Louis' forehead. He slips on the safety, before he places the small hand gun in the deep pockets of his joggers. Louis rolls his eyes.

"Louis. M'names Louis."

"Ah, Louis. Pretty name for a pretty face." Harry practically purrs. Louis shivers at the statement.

"So Louis," Harry continues, "What brings you here, at this time of night?"

The question is said so nonchalant that it actually makes Louis titter with laughter. "Well, I was hoping I could steal some stuff, sell it and pay off a debt."

"Oh so there's a debt you have to pay off? I can assume you only steal to pay off this debt and not because you find some sick thrill in it?" Harry wonders.

Louis thinks about the question for a second before he says, "Yes, I only steal to pay off my debt."

Harry actually smiles at the omission and questions, "How far in debt are you?"

Louis mulls over the question, and tries to calculate in his head the amount of money he needs. "Um, about three thousand."

Harry whistles lowly at the mentioned amount of money, before peering up at Louis coyly. "Well Louis, I know a way that you can earn that money fairly quickly."

Louis looks at Harry with questioning eyes, "Yeah? How?"

Harry smirks as he says, "Spend the night with me."

Shock invades Louis' features as he looks at Harry in disbelief. He has the accusatory, "What!" on the tip of his tongue but before he can do so much as utter that word, there's a very persistent mouth on his. It takes Louis no time at all to register than Harry is kissing him quite persistently. For a foggy moment, Louis actually loses himself in the kiss. In how soft Harry's lips are. In how warm his mouth is, in how velvety his tongue feels. But the moment of fogginess is very brief, and all too soon clarity is clearing out Louis' muddled brain. He pushes Harry's warm and muscled body away from him, and exclaims, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Harry looks at Louis lustfully, and reaches for the smaller man. "What? You can't expect to break into my home in that too tight black outfit that practically puts your curvy body on display, and not expect me to have a reaction."

Louis can feel Harry's rather large erection presses into his lower abdomen, and the feeling is driving him insane. "Come on Louis, spend the night with me and your debt will be taken care of." Harry finishes off his statement with a long lick up Louis' neck before he nibbles on Louis pulse point. The action has Louis shuddering as his dick begins to harden. Fuck, it's been a long time since he's had sex, is the thing. Also, tonight is the last night to get the money he needs. He doesn't have time to hit up another house. So basically Louis has two options, spend the night with Harry, or die at the hands of a very scary mob tomorrow when they realize Louis doesn't have their money. The most desirable option is obvious to Louis, so he nods his head quickly and says, "Okay. I'll spend the night with you."

Harry growls appreciatively, and picks Louis up by his arse cheeks. Louis throws his legs around the taller man's waist, and holds on for dear life as he's carried up a flight of stairs. They quickly walk down a dark hallway before Harry is shoving open a door. Without warning, Harry dumps Louis' body on the bed, and orders, "Strip."

Louis immediately does as he's told. Shedding his body of any and all clothing. He watches as Harry rummages around in his closet before he produces what looks to be like a gold bar that holds two furry ankle cuff on each end. As he approaches the bed again, this time fully naked, he says, "First, I'm going to give you twenty spankings as punishment for breaking into my home. Then, I'm going to fuck you doggie style while you wear these ankle cuffs. After I've fucked you nice, and good, and I'm going to make you ride me for an undetermined amount of time. Once we both come from you riding me, I'm going to eat you out until the neighbors know my name. Then, if I'm still not satisfied, I'll fuck you missionary style. Got it?"

Louis is so turned on by Harry's words, all he can do is whimper as a response. Harry smiles an award winning smile at Louis before he orders, "Flip over."

Louis turns himself over on his stomach, and squeals in high pitch as Harry drags his lower half off of the bed. In this new position, his bare arse is positioned in the air, ready to get slapped. Harry warms up his hands slightly by rubbing them together. He peers down at Louis' perfectly tanned, hairless, peach of an ass and actually feels a lot of excitement bubble up in his chest. "I want you to count each slap." Harry notifies before he delivers the first reverberating slap. Louis' body jerks with the action and gasps out a, "One."

Harry delivers another brutal slap, and Louis breathes out a, "two."

Again. "Three." Gasp.

Again. "Four." Gasp.

Again. "Five." Gasp.

Again. "Six." Gasp.

Sometime after the seventh or eighth slap, Louis stops feeling pain, and instead he feels nothing but pleasure. Harry's hand is so precise, and it leaves delicious little tingles behind on Louis' arse after every slap. All too soon, Harry is breathing out an steady, "This is your final slap, enjoy it."

And Louis does. He enjoys slap number twenty very much. So much so, that he almost begs for a twenty-first slap, but the beg doesn't get to pass his lips before Harry is slapping the ankle cuffs onto Louis' ankles. "Get on your knees." Harry orders. Once Louis is in the doggie position, Harry begins to open him up with his lube covered fingers. Loud moans filter out of Louis' lips as Harry's expertly long fingers scissor is unused hole.

"I'm ready. I'm ready." Louis pants after a short two minutes of Harry opening him up.

"Are you sure?" Harry wonders from behind him.

"Yes. Fuck me now." Louis says quickly.

The sensation that Louis feels when Harry does slide into him sans a condom is a feeling he's never felt before. Nothing but pleasure courses through Louis' body as Harry fucks into him, deep, and unrelenting. "God, yes." Louis moans out, arching his back so that it's easier for Harry to fuck him.

"Fuck." Harry grunts. "I'm so glad I didn't wear a condom. Your hole feels like velvet around my dick."

Louis can only grunt as Harry's hips slam into him again, and again. It doesn't take long for Harry to find Louis' prostate, and when he does, the smaller lad cries out in bliss. "Fuck yes, right there. Yes daddy." The term of endearment slips from Louis' mouth unexpectedly but he doesn't regret uttering that word not even for a second. And if the way Harry is fucking him even harder now is anything to go by, he assumes Harry likes the term of endearment too.

The gold bar that connects Louis' two ankles make his legs essentially motionless, and Louis loves the thought. Loves the thought of being powerless against Harry's dominating actions. He has the overwhelming urge to suck Harry's dick until it falls off, and that's exactly what he's going to do whenever Harry's done with him.

For the time being though, Louis is more than content to be pummeled into at a ruff and deep speed. He lets out a particularly loud groan when Harry reaches out and pulls on his hair. Forcing Louis to stare up at the ceiling as his arse is being delicious fucked into. "I want to come on your back." Harry says breathlessly. "Want to dirty up this perfect, tan skin."

"Do it." Louis challenges. "Come for me daddy. Come on me daddy."

Harry tugs at Louis' hair especially hard in retaliation to his sinful words before he slips out of Louis' hole. One, two, three strokes later for Louis and Harry, and Harry is coming all over Louis' back, and Louis is coming all over Harry's bed sheets. Their bodies instantly sag against the mattress once their orgasms come. Their breathing hard, and unsteady.

If Louis wasn't so doped up on orgasm bliss, he'd actually laugh at the situation he's in. This theft job was supposed to be easy. It was supposed to be a simple in and out mission. He was supposed to grab a few items that could be pawned for a lot, then turn all of his hard earned money into the mob and officially be done. He wasn't supposed to end up with no stolen items, and he sure as hell wasn't supposed to end up trading sex for money either. Who know prostituting yourself by yourself would be easy? Louis sure as hell didn't.

He's pulled from his thoughts when Harry says, "I'm so going to fuck you until the sun comes up."

Louis smiles. "I want you to." He says sincerely.

"Ready for round two, then?"

"Yes." Louis admits, then says, "Wait. I have one question. What's with that room downstairs? The one with all of the paintings and stuff?"

Harry mulls over the question before his eyes lit with recognition and fondness. "Oh, that's what I call my "museum room". Collecting artifacts/art is my hobby."

Louis smiles so brightly at Harry's admission because he's so incredibly endeared by Harry already, and he just met him only an hour before. Louis can already tell Harry will be the death of him. His smile gets wiped off his face when Harry asks, "Ready to get fucked again?"

An excited trill shoots up Louis' spin at the question and he nods his head quickly. "Yes. Fuck, you're so great at sex."

Harry smirks at Louis with a devilish tilt to his mouth. "And you're a shitty thief, Louis."

Louis so totally agrees.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> That's it from me folks. Peace.


End file.
